Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving sweet and sour meatballs.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. You can't find it any other time of the year. So drink up! Who cares that it only has 10,000 calories in every sip. It's not as you you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's Christmas.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the whole volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they are made with whole or skim milk. If it's skim milk, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole purpose of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?!
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at the buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yoursef near them and don't budge. Have as many of you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you'll never see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Pecan. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like pecan, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruit cake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards!
10. One final tip: if you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread this tips: start over, but hurry; January is just around the corner!
** I got this from a Christmas banquet at my home church on Saturday night. My apologies to the real, unknown author. This is not my original work.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. You can't find it any other time of the year. So drink up! Who cares that it only has 10,000 calories in every sip. It's not as you you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's Christmas.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the whole volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they are made with whole or skim milk. If it's skim milk, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole purpose of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?!
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at the buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yoursef near them and don't budge. Have as many of you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you'll never see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Pecan. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like pecan, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruit cake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards!
10. One final tip: if you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread this tips: start over, but hurry; January is just around the corner!
** I got this from a Christmas banquet at my home church on Saturday night. My apologies to the real, unknown author. This is not my original work.